‘Snake Eyes’ is a boring, joyless slog of a film, critics say

Despite a legacy of “medium-defining hits” like “The Godfather,” “Forrest Gump” and “Titanic,” Paramount has spent the last decade producing big-budget franchise tentpoles that have “often sidestepped artful construction and individuality for generic reverse engineered merchandise vehicles,” wrote Brandon Katz in his review of “Snake Eyes” for Observer.

Many critics bemoaned the film’s thin script and slapdash attempts at character development, Katz included.

“The script is pockmarked with clichés, tropes and never-ending predictability,” he said.

Katz noted that the film was well-shot by cinematographer Bojan Bazelli, but impressive fight sequences were often overpacked with shaky cam shots.

“Henry Golding has undeniable screen presence,” wrote Lindsey Bahr in her review of the film for Associated Press. “He’s handsome, sure. Lots of actors are. But Golding also has that effortless charisma that the biggest movie stars possess.”

While many critics agreed that Henry Golding has star power, the charismatic actor had limited material to showcase his talents.

“Snake Eyes” “completely misunderstands its star’s appeal,” Bahr said. “Golding is simply not the right actor for the part. He’s not exactly bad, just miscast and misused. And despite the novel trimmings and flash around him, his character is woefully generic.”

For Johnny Oleksinski of the New York Post, Golding’s performance was as stiff as a “plastic toy.”

“To cut him some slack, though, Golding signed onto awful material that shouldn’t exist in the first place,” he wrote in his review.

Throughout the film, Snake Eyes ingratiates himself to an ancient Japanese ninja clan called the Arashikage. In order to gain membership into this clan, he must complete three deadly tasks. However, according to Oleksinski, these challenges are slow-going and do not service the story’s ultimate climax — Snake Eyes becoming a Joe.

At the end of the day “Snake Eyes” was “slightly better than the unrelenting vomit” of previous G.I. Joe iterations, he said, but still a ” joke-and-fun-free slog.”

The fight sequences promised in the trailer for “Snake Eyes” are “full of swordplay and gunfire,” but “choppily edited and somehow lackadaisical,” wrote Soren Anderson of the Seattle Times.

“It’s as though [director Robert] Schwentke was operating from a checklist of expected action-movie cliches and hurries through them all,” he wrote.

“Snake Eyes” also attempts to weave in fan-favorite characters from the G.I. Joe franchise including Scarlett (Samara Weaving) and the Baroness (Ursula Corbero). However, they are dropped “so haphazardly” into the story that their presence is confusing, Anderson said.

“You’re left scratching your head: ‘Who are these women?’ Answer: They’re along for the ride to set the stage for the inevitable sequels,” he wrote. “Spare us.”